"The Mighty Heart: how to transform conflict" - new booklet by Scilla Elworthy. As tensions rise, a real resource
Maybe for obvious physical, bodily and social reasons, the Coronavirus moment has not been marked by public displays of protest. That’s perhaps also because of the general agreement on an effective collective response; the acceptance that we must behave in a responsible manner that always considers the health of others.
Yet go online, our available public sphere at the moment, and it’s hardly a place of calm acceptance. Debates about the effectiveness of the UK government response to Covid-19, compared to other nations - the existing inequalities they are exacerbating, the unequal burdens borne by different classes - are furiously raging.
It feels to us like there’s a lot of inevitable pent-up protest and conflict waiting to happen. Is there any way we can talk to each other, as the social debate accelerates and intensifies, in a way that genuinely take matters forward, as to the better society we build out of this profound crisis? Rather than a depressing slide into the same old positions and battles?
As an answer, we were delighted this week to receive news of a short new publication - available here, in both hard copy and e-book form - from Scilla Elworthy, regular Nobel-Peace-Prize nominee and massively influential campaigner for peace (and also one of our Elephant series participants - see video here, and embedded at the end of the piece).
It’s called The Mighty Heart: How To Transform Conflict. The booklet is an amazing distillation of the approach that Scilla has taken over the last five decades, founding the Oxford Research Group, in situations of extreme and toxic conflict (war zones, environmental disputes, business strategy).
We’ve bought the book, encourage you to do so, and will post some striking extracts below (the opening chapter, “the skills we all need in conflict situations”, is certainly worth the price of entry):
Transforming a conflict
The key to transforming a conflict is to focus on INTERESTS rather than POSITIONS. This means that rather than the opposing parties sitting opposite and each clinging to their position, they move round (metaphorically or actually) to sit side by side seeing the issue from their mutual interest.
This concept is radi- cal and brilliant, and is at the heart of the best book I have ever read on conflict resolution : ‘Getting to Yes’ by Roger Fisher and William Ury.
More conflicts are prevented or resolved by the ability to listen, than by any other means.
Most of us think we are good listeners, and most of us are not. When we are apparently listening, we spend most of our time thinking what we’re going to say next, or judging the other person, or interpreting – and thus we are simply not able to be present.
Your full undivided attention is the greatest gift you can give another person, especially in an argument. To listen fully is to show respect. A person who feels truly heard starts to relax. Better still, if the listener is concentrating hard enough to begin to hear the emotions behind the actual words, all sorts of infor- mation emerges that can be vital to healing.
So, here’s how to build the skill:
If you have a conflict with someone and want to exercise your listening skills, you could ask them: “Would you be willing to spend 30 minutes with me, so we can understand what’s between us?”
Explain that you will listen to how they feel about the issue, expressed in the first person and without pointing finger, for about 5 minutes – and then you will feed back what you have heard, and if possible what you sense of the emotions behind the words.
Then you swap over: you will speak for about 5 minutes, and the other person will listen, attentively enough to be able to repeat back to you what you have said, and any clues they may have to your feelings.
What normally happens in this process is that we shift from the mind, which says: “I’m right and you’re wrong!” to the heart, which says “Oh my goodness, is that how you feel?”
At that point we are able to talk about our needs – the deeper reasons for our anger or fear or jealousy. Then we may be able to suggest how the other person could meet our needs, and each can then respond.
A note on practice: it is through undertaking these exercises (in each section of the booklet) that lead to the honing of the skill, i.e. the exercise is the means to get the skill.
Let me offer an example from the corporate world. Working with the global executives of a major international company, I asked them to undertake an exercise sitting in pairs opposite one another for 40 minutes. They were required to keep eye contact, and listen intently while their partner answered ques- tions like: “What’s disturbing you in your life?” “What are you yearning for?” “What’s your highest potential?”
Each partner took a turn answering, by going well below the cognitive to the gut level, and each took a turn listening, which meant giving absolute attention.
At first they hated it. Bodies squirmed with the embarrass- ment of eye contact and personal honesty. But by the end they had a new take on the power of listening. After using the exercise at work for a few weeks, the CEO reported: “What you taught us enables us to resolve in 15 minutes what would previously have taken four hours of argument, and still not been resolved.”
Developing Presence
In 2003, shortly after the US invasion of Iraq, US Lieutenant Colonel Chris Hughes was leading his men down a street in Najaf, when suddenly people came pouring out of the mosques and houses lining the street, surrounding the troops. These people were furiously angry, screaming, yelling, and waving their fists.
The heavily armed soldiers, most of them still in their teens and speaking no Arabic, had no idea what was happening. Chris Hughes strode into the middle of the crowd, raised his rifle above his head, pointed the barrel at the ground, and shouted an order to his men that they had never heard before: “Kneel”.
The bewildered troops, burdened by their heavy body armour, wobbled to the ground and pointed their rifles into the sand. The crowd quieted in disbelief, and there was absolute stillness for some two minutes. And then the crowd dispersed.
This gesture of respect averted a bloodbath; no-one was killed, no weapons were needed, no shots were fired, no revenge was required. [Editor: here’s the original report on this incident from The New Yorker]
All the research and the action I have seen over half a century shows me that the main cause of fighting is humiliation. And the best antidote to humiliation is respect, as demonstrated here by a US serviceman. The keys to successful prevention of armed violence are respect, speed of reaction and developing the presence of a mighty heart.
There’s also a very practical chapter on…
Local anger about top-down decisions
Many of us find ourselves frustrated, not to say outraged, by decisions being taken over our heads about issues we care passionately about. Rather than just ranting on to our friends, we can make a practical plan to enter a dialogue with those who have the power to change those decisions.
This has been made more possible today through (wisely used) social media. It is now possible to communicate instantly and directly to decision-makers.
Step 1: Get to the core of the problem
In order to be able to communicate clearly, it’s essential to spend time investigating exactly what the issue – the core of the problem – really is. It’s worth doing this in written form to share with colleagues working on the same issue. This requires:
A summary of the problem in no more than 100 words
A short section entitled ‘Background’ (the facts).A section entitled something like ‘The Issues Requiring Change’.
A section on ‘Proposed Action’ to include legislative changes required or restraints to be imposed.
A brief description of who you are – your organisation or yourself, if you are advocating individually or on behalf of others.
Step 2: Be aware of assumptions and expectations
The views of decision-makers, as of us all, are based on deep rooted assumptions about the world and even about human nature. To understand the assumptions your decision maker may have, try to read up on any texts he or she may have written. When you can see clearly where his/her assumptions collide with your own, you’re in business. Why? Because otherwise you waste hours arguing at cross (often very cross) purposes.
Step 3: Basic research to find the decision-maker
You’ll need to construct some sort of organizational chart showing where the problem lies. With the help of the Internet, you can find organigrams of most government departments, and it should not be too hard to locate where decisions are made on the issue you care about.
When you’ve identified the positions of those you feel have decision-making power, the next step is to call and ask the name of the person in that position. In the case of commercial organisations, look up the annual report, where you should be able to locate the person you need, and probably also their biography.
Step 4: First contact with your decision-maker
A letter or email will nearly always be the best way of making initial contact, unless you can obtain a personal introduction, or unless you are very confident on the phone. In our experience the most effective kind of letter is one which:
Shows you’re serious in your questioning and not aggressive in your approach (otherwise you’ll get a boring ’form letter’ back).
Asks for a fuller explanation of somethinghe/she has said
Raises an issue that cannot be answered by a standard reply
Makes it clear what you want to discuss and why it needs to be a meeting in person
Above all it should not be a letter that merely states your views; this asks for a reply that simply contradicts you.
Step 5: Preparing to meet a decision-maker
It is doubly important to manage your own anger and stress in a face-to-face meeting, because emotions project themselves in all sorts of ways. Given how much you have already absorbed in this booklet, you probably have practised good slow breathing, etc! But if it doesn’t ring a bell, please go back and have a good look in Chapter 1.
It’s vital to work out a strategy for the meeting in advance, to make sure you are well prepared and confident.
Try working through the following questions and jotting down your answers:
• What do you hope to achieve in the meeting?
• Where will you hold it?
• How many of you should attend?
• What should be said first?
• What key issue do you want to have addressed?
• What might be the answers?
• What’s the single point you want to get across?
• How will you record what is said?
• How will you end the meeting?
Step 6: Following up on what emerged
It’s helpful to keep a record of what you set out to achieve, what you plan to do next in the light of it, and review with your colleagues what the next best steps will be.
And don’t forget to celebrate your wisdom, courage and grace!
More here, where you can purchase the book (in hardcopy or digital format). Below is Scilla’s contribution to the Elephant Meets’ series, from December 2019: